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Automatic Ways-of-Being Have you ever noticed what it's taken for you to create one of
your automatic ways-of-being? No, I don't mean the initial
conversation that began the way-of-being, but the actual grounding
of the evidence you have put into place over time that keeps it
together even when it doesn't work for you? Let me explain with an example of one of my own. My dear dad who
sometimes frustrated the you-know-what out of me, who I loved
immensely and who I just lost this year, used to say to me,
Now, let me say that I was (am) complete with my dad when he
died, and by that I mean that I said everything I needed to say to
let him know that I loved and appreciated the life he provided for
me to become the person I am. I also allowed him to say everything
he was willing to say to me, yes in his own manner, such that I know
that he loved and respected me. I miss him terribly and yet nothing
else needed to be said to each other. We were complete. By the way, in later years I was also able to complete with my
mom who had died when I was 19 and we were not in a good place with
each other. But completion is another conversation and what I'd like
to bring you back to is the automatic way-of-being that I adopted
out of my dad occasionally saying to me, "What?! Are you stupid?!" Now realizing that his style of making remarks such as the one
above was out of his love and concern for me to do the best I could
in my life, the way I listened to it as a child provided a structure
for me to create an automatic way-of-being that I've been driven by
in my life. [Note that my siblings have created their own automatic
ways-of-being from their own versions of how my dad showed up to
them.] Rather than allowing myself to be proud of my accomplishments,
most of my life I lived into the conversation of "I am stupid," and
therefore had to prove that I am intelligent. This automatic
way-of-being has cropped up again and again and again throughout my
life. If you look back on my accolades, you may wonder is there
anything else she is going to do? Does she ever rest and relax? Does
she know how? Until I realized that I was living from this automatic
way-of-being that I had put together, it just all seemed normal to
me. I had to be the best and prove I was the smartest in many
different arenas. I had to be the best nurse, I had to be the best
black jack dealer, I had to be the best female sailor, I had to be …
on and on and on and on … until I revealed to myself that I was not
living from possibility but from automaticity. It was with a coach who simply provided me with that perspective
outside of my automatic way of looking at myself before I could even
"observe myself as that observer." Okay, this is going to sound funny and you may have to read it a
couple of times, but here goes. The 'observer I am' based in that
automatic way-of-being is that "I am stupid." Having become the
'observer of that observer' I am able to notice when I get hooked by
that conversation "I am stupid" and then I am able to choose another
way-of-being. Get it? The conversation "I am stupid" still shows up but the
work I've done with a coach allows me to recognize it and not get
hooked by it any longer. Now I get to just enjoy the fruits of my
labors and live in pride of what I've accomplished in my life. One more thing - unlearning an automatic way-of- being is a
process. I like to say that there are four steps to transforming, or
unlearning, a way-of-being: It's a simple process; however, one in which you have to create
as an automatic way-of-being. Happiest of holidays to you! Come back from them with wonderful
stories of the people you love and appreciate. Perhaps consider
getting out of the way of an automatic way-of-being that you may
have with someone during the holidays. Or begin to observe the
observer you are in an automatic way-of-being around the holidays. I
promise, an indication for you will be you are not living in
affinity (kinship, attraction, having fun, etc.). As always, please share with me what you have noticed out of this
perspective. With love and respect for who you are in your life! ~ Patricia Hirsch, MBA, Master Certified Coach |
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